Something interesting has been happening in my life recently….I started going to Therapy. Something that I have been avoiding for about 9 years now. I finally did it and….I love it? It’s strange. I actually found someone that I really enjoy talking to. The person is amazing. I can’t say enough about them.
On the other hand, I also went to see a psychiatrist, two to be exact. That didn’t go as well as the therapist. So let’s start with that. I didn’t know what to expect when I started the call. The person seemed nice on paper but everything was so clinical? Which I know sounds obvious, right? Of course it was but after talking to the therapist, this was out of left field for me. All of the questions were so invasive and wanted me to give specifics on things. Super uncomfortable. I hated it, honestly. They dismissed all of my symptoms to just having anxiety but in the end they said Bipolar 2 and ADHD were the probable diagnosis. They wanted to up my medication that I was already taking. I wasn’t a fan of that. So all in all, I was left with a partial diagnosis and a sense of icky-ness.
I decided to see a different psychiatrist, as the first one gave me a bad feeling. I found one that said they used a more holistic approach to treatment instead of medication. That sounded intriguing to me. But, this one was worse than the first. More clinical than the first, more intrusive on the questions, so much so I almost broke down crying in panic. So many other things that…I won’t mention it here because they are personal but very very uncomfortable. At the end of everything they diagnosed me with generalized anxiety, major depression, PTSD and ADHD. A bit different than the first but similar. This person didn’t even want to try and see me again. I left the call and that was that.
So here I am, a bunch of different labels of mental health diagnosis to my name. Do I see another psychiatrist to finalize a diagnosis? I don’t know, I think I’m going to take a break from seeing a psychiatrist for now. I used to be obsessed with finding out what was wrong with me, to get that label. Maybe I wanted it to give a reasoning to why I acted the way I did but honestly it doesn’t really matter anymore. I am who I am. Putting a label on it doesn’t matter. I never went to the psychiatrists looking for a medication, for a solution. I just wanted an answer. And now … I don’t know what I want.
So….. I guess having some answers is better than nothing….. anxiety, major depression or bipolar 2 disorder, PTSD and ADHD/possible AuDHD. Knowing that I could go out and seek treatment or medication for these things is comforting but therapy and Lexapro are there for me for now.
Thanks for reading my ramblings on this and be kind in the comments, this is something personal to me but I hope it resonates with someone out there. Stay safe ✌🏻
Chelsea Dwyer 