Toxic Friendships

Disclaimer: this is a rambling and venting blog post about a best friend I had that ended badly. Some of this might not make sense and I won’t go into details about the situation or reveal this person’s name to respect their privacy. I’m just hoping this post resonates with someone in some way.

Have you ever been in a friendship and you had to let go of that person because they were toxic or just not a good person? Or have you had a friend constantly gaslight you into thinking you’re always the problem and your feelings aren’t valid?

Well I’ve had that happen to me recently and it was and still is traumatic for me. I just never had someone gas light me and victim blame themselves before in such an intense way. I mean, it’s never happened to me at all before. It has come to a point where seeing a picture of this person fills me with dread, anger and so much anxiety. I had to block them on everything and delete their number just to find some peace but it only helped slightly…

What really hurts the most is that some of my close friends are still super close with this person, as if none of this ever happened. I don’t blame them at all. Obviously they can be friends with anyone they want. It just hurts me in a way I can’t describe, especially after telling them what this person did to me.

I wasn’t the first friend that this person did this to. I was just the one that unfortunately got shoved under the bus because I called them out on their bullshit and they didn’t like that. We didn’t talk for a year and a half. Before we stopped talking they were being distant and just not being a good friend so I messaged them and told them how I was feeling about everything. They got mad and were angry that I even said those things to them. So I said okay and that was that…

I was feeling optimistic in the new year and figured this person had grown mentally and thought they should meet my baby and we should reconnect…..but that’s when it happened.

The messages I got back from this person just floored me. Saying I was the “bad guy” and it was all my fault. They couldn’t possibly ever be friends with me again because it would be bad for their mental health. Those messages still haunt me. What were they saying to other people behind my back?

I reached out to my other friends and they said that this person felt hurt by me… I was beyond confused…. I racked my brain just trying to think what I could have done. I just couldn’t believe it. This person is obviously allowed to feel hurt if that’s how they feel but I just couldn’t understand why?

I am upset and torn and hurt that someone I cared about so deeply would do this to me. What did I do to them that they don’t care about me anymore? So our close friendship all these years meant nothing to them? Our friendship felt that little to them that they didn’t even care to try to be friendly again? Even after everything I had been through?

Trying to come to terms with the fact that they don’t care about me anymore…. sucks. I hate it. Especially when I see them happy and having fun with all of my other friends. Knowing that they never truly cared about me….is sad.

Then I think and remember, they were never truly a good person. They have always been toxic not only to me but to other people and I’m a mom now. I don’t want people like that in my life. I don’t need them in my life. I don’t….

But even as I sit here typing this out I’m filled with sadness and loneliness. I have to mourn this person because they don’t want anything to do with me and I’m now the odd one out in the friend group

It’s going to take a long time for me to get over this. Especially when the people I want to talk to about this….are friends with this person and will defend them…. So I don’t have a voice in this really.

So I’ll just watch and wait and mourn and hopefully one day I won’t be filled with such anxiety when I see their face in a picture having fun with my other friends.

If you have ever dealt with a toxic friend or relationship, let me know and tell me how you handled it or if your situation was similar to mine. It’s tough but worth it in the end… At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I’ve been going through a lot of emotions recently and will be getting back to blogging and telling my stories about what’s been going on, so stay tuned, thanks everyone.